Jokes Anyone, Life Is Too Short Without Them

[Captain Obvious]

 

 

[Captain Obvious]

[Kingdiamond]

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphault under his arm and says give me a beer and one for the road!

[Captain Obvious]

Both Vids R Rated

 

 

[+Dizledot]

My son and daughter in law moved to Texas a few years ago. She sent this to me not to long ago.....hope you get a grin out of it!!!

 

The difference between the North and the South - clearly explained at last....

The North has Bloomingdale's , the South has Dollar General .

 

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

 

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

 

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

 

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

 

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

 

North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

 

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .

 

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .

 

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

 

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .....

In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

 

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do not buy food at this store.

 

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

 

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

 

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

 

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective

'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way.

All of them are in denial about it.

 

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .

 

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

 

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' you should stay out of the way.

These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

 

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your

presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not.

You just have to go there.

 

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen,

and their mammas taught them how to aim.

 

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it

and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners..

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain't gonna

call 'em biscuits.

Send this to four people that ain't related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song 'fore you know it.

 

Your kin would get a kick out of it too!

[mrniceguy8252]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWhUqo9Aivs

[mrniceguy8252]

One day this cop pulls over a stoner for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the stoner for his license.

 

"You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

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How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb? - Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.

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What do you call a pothead that doesn't inhale? - Mr. President.

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What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt? - A pot hole!

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what is the difference between a drunk guy and a stoner at a stop sign? - the drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

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A stoner called the fire department and said, "Come quick my house is on fire!" The Fireman asked "How do we get there?" The stoner says "DUH, in a big red truck!"

[mrniceguy8252]

Q. What do you call a bud smoker with two spliffs?

A. Double Jointed.

 

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Q. What do you call someone who smokes up every day at 4:21?

A. chronically late.

 

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The Pot Paradox:

An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!!!

 

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Q. What do you call a stoner in a room full of nude supermodels?

A. Passed out & Dreaming.

 

 

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Q. How do fish get stoned?

A. SeaWeed.

 

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Q. What's smokey and sounds like a bell ?

A. BONG!

 

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Q. What do you call two pairs of stoners having sex?

A. Baked lays.

 

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Q. What do you call it when a stoner spills his stash on the floor?

A. Drug abuse.

 

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Q. What do call a pothead that smokes a joint from the wrong end?

A. Stoned.

 

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A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "I think I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill so he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill when he got to the bottom he seen the drunk was in pieces on the ground so he walked over to him the drunk looks up and says how did you make it without getting hurt the stoner said I pretended I was a joint!

 

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This is a story to tell someone when they're high.- Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you to stand behind you to tell you something I know nothing about. Thursday, which is Good Friday, we're having a Father's Day party for mother's only. Admission is free, pay at the door, pull out a chair and sit on the floor. Late one night in the middle of the day, two dead soldiers got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, pulled out their swords and shot one another. A deaf policeman heard the noise, got up and shot the twice dead boys. If you don't believe me, ask the blind man who saw it all, through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.

[HerbanLegendSeeds]

Widdle

 

Wabbit

 

 

A precious little

 

girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,

 

 

in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

 

"Excuthe me,

 

 

mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

 

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his

 

knees so that

 

 

he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white

 

wabbit,

 

 

or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute

 

widdle

 

 

bwown wabbit over there?"

 

 

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

 

 

hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet

 

voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a

 

thit."

[christinax4]

What the hell ever happened to Chappell? thanks for these guys

im still laughing about the spermfrogs!

[mizerman]

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “I m sorry,” The girl tells him. “We can’t allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it’s head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, don’t worry about it…you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this one’s eating my POPCORN!!”