Jump to content


Photo

Joke Of The Day


  • Please log in to reply
289 replies to this topic

#1 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 03:35 PM

ok...
so with all the trouble out there we could use a place for good clean humor right?
if there isn't one already, then here we go doe
so i'll start

please feel free to chime in any u may know LOL


how come eskimos wash their cloths in tide?























.











.








...
...
......
..........
.................
..........................Cuz it's too cold out tide........

ha haaaaa LOL
:thumbsu:
:rolleyes:

#2 bobandtorey

bobandtorey

    The First To Be Raided and legal

  • Supporters
  • PipPipPip
  • 10,106 posts

Posted 19 February 2011 - 04:51 PM

Hello!
is this the sheriffs office
Yes, what can i do for you
Am calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith He'd hidden marijuana inside his fire wood don't know how he get it inn their but he's hidden their
the next day twelve cop descend on Virgil's house they search the shed were the fire-wood is keep-ed
using axes they bust open every piece of wood.But find no MJ they sher at Virgil and leave'
shortly the phone rings at Virgil home. Hey Virgil this here is Floyd did the sheriff come
Yeah did they chop your firewood? Yep

Happy Birthday Buddy

#3 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 04:58 PM

Hello!
is this the sheriffs office
Yes, what can i do for you
Am calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith He'd hidden marijuana inside his fire wood don't know how he get it inn their but he's hidden their
the next day twelve cop descend on Virgil's house they search the shed were the fire-wood is keep-ed
using axes they bust open every piece of wood.But find no MJ they sher at Virgil and leave'
shortly the phone rings at Virgil home. Hey Virgil this here is Floyd did the sheriff come
Yeah did they chop your firewood? Yep

Happy Birthday Buddy



now thats funny!
:lol:
:D
i wood try that but it's way to possible they would find some in my wood pile LOL
i can never remeber where i hid my stash after my paranoid fits the night before when i see headlights on my street LOL

Edited by mibrains, 19 February 2011 - 05:00 PM.


#4 bobandtorey

bobandtorey

    The First To Be Raided and legal

  • Supporters
  • PipPipPip
  • 10,106 posts

Posted 19 February 2011 - 05:38 PM

great idea to lighten the mood :thumbsu: with all the depressing b.s. going on in the world.

did you hear the one about the doe that came stumbling out of the woods shaking her head saying i'll never do that again for two bucks!



:goodjob: very funny

#5 Kingdiamond

Kingdiamond

    Basement lumberjack

  • Forum Leaders
  • 5,372 posts
  • LocationDeadford

Posted 19 February 2011 - 05:43 PM

Man walks into a bar in one arm hes carrying a slab of asphault he yells at the bartender give me a beer and also one for the road!

#6 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 05:48 PM

great idea to lighten the mood :thumbsu: with all the depressing b.s. going on in the world.

did you hear the one about the doe that came stumbling out of the woods shaking her head saying i'll never do that again for two bucks!



LOL
i like that one...

what do you call a blind dinasour?
doyouthinkhesaurus...

what do you call his dog?
doyouthinkhesaurus rex
LOL
yuk yuk yuk...
jurassic parks finest
:rolleyes:

#7 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 06:06 PM

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



#8 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 07:29 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

#9 Silverblue

Silverblue

    Peaceful Warrior

  • +Authors
  • PipPipPip
  • 3,212 posts
  • LocationA place in my mind where Compassion rules!

Posted 19 February 2011 - 07:41 PM

Hi All, I wouldn't have minded seeing these in my chit chat lounge!

Sb


#10 Silverblue

Silverblue

    Peaceful Warrior

  • +Authors
  • PipPipPip
  • 3,212 posts
  • LocationA place in my mind where Compassion rules!

Posted 19 February 2011 - 07:43 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

LOL LOL LOL that's cute!

Sb


#11 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 19 February 2011 - 09:20 PM

LOL
i know right...
i been sitting here home sick all day, and have been glued to the computer LOL
this thread has been makin me giggle on and off all day...
i had a blast for an hour or two reading jokes lookin for fun ones.
good times
good people
good friends
thanks ya'll
peace

#12 peanutbutter

peanutbutter

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8,093 posts
  • LocationDexter

Posted 19 February 2011 - 09:45 PM

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat”, agreed to look after and house her neighbors' male dog while they were away on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked

"It just worked for me." he replied.

#13 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 20 February 2011 - 08:16 AM

53 ways to make a cop mad....

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. Touch him.

7. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

8. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

9. Refer to him by his first name.

10. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

11. When he says no, cry.

12. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

13. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

14. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

16. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

17. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

18. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

19. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

20. Trip and fall into him.

21. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

23. Chew on the pen, nervously.

24. Clean your ear with the pen.

25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

26. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

27. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

28. Act like you are retarded.

29. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

30. Mumble to yourself.

31. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

32. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

33. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

34. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

35. Ask if he watches Cops.

36. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

37. Giggle if he did.

38. Talk to your hand.

39. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

40. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

41. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

42. Try to sell him your car.

43. Ask if you can buy his car.

44. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

45. Play with the siren.

46. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

47. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

48. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

49. Turn your head and whistle.

50. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

51. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

52. Tell him you like men in uniform.

53. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party



#14 peanutbutter

peanutbutter

    Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 8,093 posts
  • LocationDexter

Posted 20 February 2011 - 08:31 AM

"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"If you don't know, why did you pull me over?"

#15 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 20 February 2011 - 08:58 AM

LOL@PB...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent.":startle:

:lol:



#16 drtarzanmd

drtarzanmd

    Mentally Disabled

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 7,155 posts
  • Locationin the Jungle

Posted 20 February 2011 - 11:45 AM

A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him.

"Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie.

"I'm gonna give you two wishes.

What will the first one be?"

The hippie thinks for a moment and then says,

"I want a never-ending joint."

So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint.

The hippie jacks it up and starts puffing.

After five hits the joint is still the same length.

Next the pixie says, "...And number two?"

The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!" :thumbsu:


#17 drtarzanmd

drtarzanmd

    Mentally Disabled

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 7,155 posts
  • Locationin the Jungle

Posted 20 February 2011 - 11:49 AM

So two potheads have been charged with possession
and both plead No contest.

The judge decides to be lenient on them and not give
them any time if they spend the next 24 hours reforming evil drug users.
(Must have been a first offense.)

They return to the courthouse the next day and
the judge asks them how many people they've gotten off drugs.

The first guy says, "Twenty-four!" "Amazing," says Hizzoner,
since that's about 12,000 times better than the statistics.
"How'd you do it?" "Simple," says the head. "
I just show them:

'O' - This is your brain; 'o' - this is your brain on drugs."

"Impressive," says the judge. Turning to the second head, he says,
"And how did you fare?"

"Yer honor, I saved 233 souls from the bonds of the evil weed."

"And how did you manage that?"

"Kinda the same as the other guy, 'cept I told people:

'o' - this is your donkey rectum; 'O' - THIS is your donkey rectum in prison."


#18 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 24 February 2011 - 07:20 PM

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.



#19 mibrains

mibrains

    Why do you eat people? Not people...BRAINS

  • Forum Leaders
  • 3,445 posts
  • Location- i seem to end up where i am needed most just in the nick of time.

Posted 25 February 2011 - 07:47 AM

ok
so this bird cracked me up...
reminds me of my ex wife...before copulation...post copulation...and pillow hair day.....you decide which version is which LOL



:rolleyes:

#20 mizerman

mizerman

    Long Haired Country Boy

  • Members
  • PipPipPip
  • 1,516 posts
  • LocationDetroit Zoo

Posted 25 February 2011 - 09:38 AM

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little
to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting
the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

Mizerman

p.s. some days I don't know how my wife puts up with me as she never knows what I'll say out in public.




0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users