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#281 mibrains

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Posted 04 November 2013 - 06:37 AM

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."



#282 mibrains

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Posted 10 November 2013 - 07:00 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

 

This is a herd of sheep...

 

now give me back my dog. :lolu:



#283 mibrains

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Posted 22 November 2013 - 08:53 AM

A woman went into a bar in Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest feet she’d ever seen. The woman asked the cowboy if it’s true what they say about men with big feet. The cowboy grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady! Why don’t you come on out to the bunk house and let me prove it to you!” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thank ya Ma’am. I’m real flattered. Ain’t nobody ever paid me fer mah services before. The woman replied, “Don’t be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit.”



#284 mibrains

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Posted 15 December 2013 - 04:54 PM

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

 

 

:huh:



#285 Sledge

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Posted 16 December 2013 - 07:09 AM

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

 

 

:huh:

 

Good one lol



#286 mibrains

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Posted 26 January 2014 - 08:22 AM

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.”

“We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  ”This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?”

“I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  ”This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.”

“You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  ”just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor.

“Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”



#287 Wild Bill

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Posted 27 January 2014 - 09:46 PM

Q: Why do Rick Jones and Bill Shuette always wear ties?




A: To keep the foreskins from flapping up over their faces.
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#288 Letterhead954

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Posted 29 January 2014 - 11:11 PM

One day a man decided to retire...

 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

 

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."

 

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

 

"But, where did you get the tools?"

 

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 

The guy is stunned.

 

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.

Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

 

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

 

"Would you like a drink?"

 

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"

 

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

 

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

 

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride? She stares into his eyes.

 

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

 

"You've built a Harley?”


 


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#289 I wood

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Posted 30 January 2014 - 03:14 PM

"Topical should work the same from whatever part of the plant you get the extract from."


Edited by I wood, 30 January 2014 - 03:18 PM.


#290 mibrains

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Posted 09 February 2014 - 06:49 PM

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'



#291 mibrains

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Posted Today, 07:03 AM

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?'' ''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."






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