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#301 mibrains

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Posted 02 October 2014 - 05:19 AM

10 Science Jokes for Nerds

How Many Will You Get?

1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t. :lolu:

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”.
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”.
“Irrelevant.”

7. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

8. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies “For you, no charge”.

9. Two atoms are walking along. One of them says:
“Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive.”

10. An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be.


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#302 Letterhead954

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Posted 09 October 2014 - 11:55 PM

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a 
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.


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#303 Letterhead954

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 04:24 AM

I was doing some research on the candidates for AG and came across this quote. I thought it appropriate to post it here.

 

"I took an oath to observe and protect and defend the constitution and that's not a discretionary exercise," he said.

"If the citizens of this state decide to change a provision in the constitution, or the Supreme Court rules on this, I'll respect and defend that."

                                                                                                                                                                                  Bill Schuette


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#304 Wild Bill

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Posted 04 November 2014 - 07:16 AM

I was doing some research on the candidates for AG and came across this quote. I thought it appropriate to post it here.

 

"I took an oath to observe and protect and defend the constitution and that's not a discretionary exercise," he said.

"If the citizens of this state decide to change a provision in the constitution, or the Supreme Court rules on this, I'll respect and defend that."

                                                                                                                                                                                  Bill Schuette

 

 

That guy's hilarious!  I hope he does well in stand up, he's sure no good at his day job.


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#305 mibrains

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Posted 08 November 2014 - 08:37 AM

Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?

 

A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train. 

 

dohhh..



#306 mibrains

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Posted 08 November 2014 - 08:38 AM

not sure if this one is too dirty for anyone.... but i laughed out loud... so here it is. 

 

if anyone is offended by this or any joke in this thread please let me know and i will remove them immediately.

 

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


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#307 Willy

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Posted 08 November 2014 - 09:38 AM

Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?

 

A: There wouldn't be any. It's an electric train. 

 

dohhh..

Ya know first off,, I built trains for GM for a few years, you need to know, all trains are electric, but they run a generator with a 3 cylinder diesel motor.all be it they are huge... sooo, in effect the smoke would be going back behind the train in this case South :) ...GM and GE are the two largest manufacturers of Train Engines in the United States


Edited by Willy, 08 November 2014 - 09:40 AM.

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#308 mibrains

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Posted 09 November 2014 - 08:11 PM

i actually did know that willy :)  the joke still struck me as good clean instant comedy :bong7bp:

 

Christmas is early this year (giggle)

 

and this joke is extra funny to me because my name really is "John" :)

 

 

The 12 Days of Christmas

 

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

 

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

 

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

 

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

 

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

 

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

 

December 20, 1972

John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of darn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

 

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their darn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

 

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours! Agnes

 

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of bunny muffin. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

 

December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

 

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole


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#309 Dlo

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Posted 09 November 2014 - 09:34 PM

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

 

Just 2, but I'm just not sure how you'd get them in there?    :)


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#310 mibrains

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Posted 10 November 2014 - 05:49 PM

OMG

 

now thats funny...

 

good one D :)

 

 

Dog Abilities

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?

A: Because they can.

Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches?

A: Same reason.


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#311 Dlo

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Posted 10 December 2014 - 05:08 PM

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