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#341 grassmatch

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Posted 24 April 2015 - 12:50 PM

The Greatest Lie Ever Told !!
 

 


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#342 grassmatch

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Posted 25 April 2015 - 07:16 PM

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate
his plain toast (no honey or butter.)

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I?
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#343 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:40 AM

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



#344 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:41 AM

''A Dyslexic man walks into a bra''


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#345 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:50 AM

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

 

:lolu: 

 

:bong7bp:



#346 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:51 AM

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.


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#347 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:52 AM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''


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#348 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:53 AM

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



#349 mibrains

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 08:57 AM

A seal walks into a club...

 

:( 


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#350 grassmatch

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Posted 16 May 2015 - 10:07 AM

^^^I privately lol'd, when nobody was looking.... :ph34r:


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#351 Dlo

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 08:39 PM

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fuc*ing badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fuc*ing BADGE!!"
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#352 Highlander

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Posted 17 August 2015 - 09:56 PM

Q: You know what my dad would be doing today if he were alive?

A: Scratching on the lid of his coffin.
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#353 pic book

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Posted 26 August 2015 - 09:27 AM

re eskimos wasing clothes in the tide

 

it's the in thing to do?


Edited by pic book, 26 August 2015 - 09:29 AM.

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#354 mibrains

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Posted 26 November 2015 - 07:03 AM

Q: What kind of key can’t open any doors?
A: A turkey.

Q: Where do turkeys go to dance?
A: The butterball.

#355 grassmatch

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Posted 05 March 2016 - 07:02 AM

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

#356 grassmatch

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Posted 05 March 2016 - 07:03 AM

Two men were waiting at the pearly gates when, one of them, stuck up a conversation.



"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second man.



"I froze to death," the second man replied.



"That's awful," the first man said. "What does it feel like to freeze to death?"



"It's very uncomfortable at first," the second man replied. "You get the shakes and then you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you? How did you die?"



"I had a heart attack," replied the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."



The second man shook his head. "That's so ironic."



"What do you mean?" the first man asked.



The second man replied, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

#357 grassmatch

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Posted 05 March 2016 - 07:05 AM

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car."

#358 grassmatch

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Posted 05 March 2016 - 07:05 AM

I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them
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#359 Restorium2

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Posted 09 March 2016 - 12:33 PM



#360 Willy

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Posted 09 March 2016 - 04:05 PM

so  a penguin takes his car into the mechanic shop, guys says it'll take about an hour. penguins says ok and goes across the street to an ice cream store, has a milkshake, but ya know penquins dont have hands so he spills the milk shake all over him self. 

 

He goes back to the mechanic and the mechanic says , well it looks like you blew a seal, the penquin says, ah no thats ice cream. 

 

Ba dump bump!






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