Sept. 7Th And Afterwards

[+Silverblue]

Sometimes we get a second chance to do things differently. This will be my chance. I did not do everything I wanted to do on May 25th, which I blame myself for most of. So, this is what I'm thinking:

 

MISTAKE #1: I didn't listen to my Intuition when it said to put my boots on. I got soaked, couldn't find a dry place to stand. My shoes and pants were very wet, my feet were cold; there was no place to sit, 'cept on the steps. I stood at the edge of an awning, my feet in a puddle. Although people held some things for me, I couldn't hold out and had to leave, missing most of the rally. Many who are much weaker than me, stayed for the whole thing. I'm deeply embarrassed I was unable to endure; I'm still kicking myself for it, especially when I see videos of that day. I let you all down; I let myself down.

 

One person listened as I cried for nearly a half hour on the phone from my hotel room about it later on; he was the one who also missed the rally so he could bring me to the Loft because I couldn't check into my hotel room yet and couldn't stand for long, holding my things, soaking wet. I felt I let the whole community down by not staying. Some people at the Loft heard me crying, too, because I didn't want to be alone, I had tried to get a ride later to the hotel but the person offering forgot to look for me after I read my speech, which leads to my next mistake.

 

MISTAKE #2: I got on stage to read my speech, without letting anyone know I'd be up there, so some people missed hearing my speech, mainly, the people in the Green Room. I was so tired, I vaguely remember telling someone, Brianna, I think, she was handling a raffle and asked me to wait to sing after Andy finished; then I think she announced me. Afterward, she called out more numbers for the raffle. A short while after, I talked to someone who said he'd bring me to my hotel and back to the Loft, but he had something to do first. That was when I really goofed- I decided to read my speech, but I didn't announce it. I don't recall Brianna being nearby, so I thought it'd be OK to just go back up there and read it.

 

I assumed the sound would've been loud enough to be heard in the Green Room. Most times I went by there, the door was open, so I assumed, though incorrectly, they'd hear me. Later on I found out I was wrong. Maybe they closed the door. It was supposed to be closed all the time, I think. I just got up there while waiting for the person to bring me to my hotel, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to do my speech, since I didn't read it at the rally. The person forgot about me and I ended up embarrassing myself when I broke down in tears. I said goodbye to the people in the Green Room, thinking I might never see them again. They were talking and laughing, while I was trying to find a ride to the hotel. I didn't wanna ruin their day. Michael came out to try to help me.

 

MISTAKE #3: When I got to the hotel I called someone and was told most the people had left, but when I got home I found out there were a few who stayed till very late. I doubt he realized those people were still there, he was very tired, too. I was so tired, I decided to stay in the hotel instead of returning to the Loft. He spent nearly a half hour comforting me, saying I wasn't a failure, though I felt I was. Another friend I called afterward nearly echoed the words of the first person I called. I still felt awful. I was so tired, though I really wanted to go back there, not wanting to be alone, I didn't come all the way there to be alone, I can do that anytime back home; I rarely go out and rarely get to socialize; but believed the others had all gone home, being tired out from the long day. It was not his fault. My night was horrible, but this wonderful person, who missed some of the rally because of me, made sure I wasn't alone the next day. I had to check out of my hotel by noon and had nowhere to go while I waited to catch a bus home. Very few people know the emotional mess I was in. some kindness, and a few hits of Kush helped me through it. I went home feeling much better.

 

WHAT I'LL DO DIFFERENTLY: I'll listen to my Intuition! If it looks like rain again, I'll bring my boots instead of leaving them on the bus. I bought something to protect anything I'm carrying. Bb says there'll be chairs and tents. This time I'll be able to check into my room as soon as I can. If I can't get a ride, I'll call a cab, and get back to the Loft refreshed and ready to spend awhile there.

 

I love this community more than words can express. You have given me a chance to earn a place here and you accepted me. You let me help where I can, you encouraged me and became the Family I had been wishing for, for many years. I'm a very sensitive person, I care too much, I get very emotional, passionate about people. When people are abused, I can't tolerate it. I've known abuse from tyrants all my life. It's all I've ever known, though there have been a few times I was treated with kindness, but I never got enough of the right kind of guidance, attention, or love. Despite it all, I still have a LOT of Love inside, just waiting to come out and pour itself all over. My love could cover this whole planet many times over. Sadly, so could my tears.

 

I don't wanna let you down. Although I may appear to be strong, I'm not as strong as I may seem to be. My deep love and sense of Justice is what motivates and empowers me to keep trying, to always do my best, always trying to improve, and be the person I know I truly am, to be the Love I seek; to be the strong, peaceful warrior you see here.

 

I love you all very much.

 

Sincerely, Sb

[+Silverblue]

oops I goofed on the second line of the title when I was editing it.

 

Sb

[+Silverblue]

Thanks Bb. I won't let you down. Thanks for all you do.

 

EVERYONE who's been fighting, I appreciate all your hard work, too. You stood in the rain when I couldn't, you endured better than me. I admire your stamina, strength, and courage. Had there been an empty chair, I would've stayed.

 

One other thing I will do differently is about something that happened that shouldn't have, which I should've notified someone about.

 

I hope, for the sake of this community and our law, it never happens again,. I also found out later, someone was lighting up. That must NEVER happen at a rally. I didn't see it or smell it or I would've said something. On the bus I saw a "free the weed" sign and gently expressed my concerns. No one said a word. I was deeply crushed.

 

I'll also make sure I know where the food place is when we stop for breakfast.

 

More than anything, I really want to speak and play my song. I don't need to say if I'm a pt or not, I just wanna tell a story about a woman I know who's alive today because of Cannabis, I have her permission, without revealing her name. I voted for this law and I wrote a song for her but I'm so goddarn scared. If the media will be there I hope they don't film me. Now I hear I'd be on youtube if I speak. It'll be hard to disguise myself. I hope they disregard me like most people do. Although I'll be one of thousands, I'm still afraid. i hope I don't have a panic attack.

 

What do I do? If someone saw me and leo came to my place, they wouldn't find anything, I have nothing left and that's how I want it. If they're civil and don't trash my place or take my things, it'd be ok MAYBE but once management knows they came, I get evicted. I wanna move out anyway but on MY terms. If I hadn't made plans I can't undo, I might've stayed home. Then I know I would let everyone down for sure, including myself. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it hurts like hell.

 

Sincerely, Sb

[+Silverblue]

Q-tipper I really appreciate your words. If I speak, but only about her, I will possibly safe. What a sad world this is. It's comforting to know I have people watching out for me. I will tell them I voted for this law, I don't wanna see my friend suffer, I don't wanna see any of you suffer.

 

Sincerely, Sb

[+Silverblue]

sb i will be coming to the rally alone this time, if you want to hang out together i will be happy to assist you for the day. let me know hun.

Thanks Q-tipper, I welcome the company. I'm glad we met in Clare, so you will recognize me, I may not recognize you, though my Intuition might tell me it's you. I'll need a ride after the rally to where I'll be staying, but then I wanna head to the Loft, from there I'll find a way back if you've gone home by then. I might bring my computer with me, not sure yet, I might be too tired to do any technical stuff. I wanna get to the Loft as fast as possible, I have to make sure I meet Tarzan, and I want to play my song if I don't do it at the rally. I really wanna sing it to the world! I don't think you stayed at the bbq long enough to hear me sing it, but I'm not sure about that.

 

Sincerely, Sb

[+Silverblue]

I wanna tell them her story, I don't need to say how I met her or how involved I am in this community. Hopefully this will remove any suspicion from me. It really sucks to live in such intense fear all my life. I wish I didn't need to live in such a place. The director of the management doesn't like me, though she's polite and civil. They're all two-faced here and many treat me with contempt, though they hardly know me. I hate them. I just wanna tell the story and sing the song. Weather permitting I'll wear a paper bag but someone might still recognize me. I hope not. I don't wanna get traumatized for exercising my Constitutional Rights, and to ease my paranoia, I have finished my medicine. Sadly I know people have been raided and beten for suspicion, though they had nothing on them.

 

My sense of Justice compels me and motivates me, I feel so Empowered- but I know I'd have a panic attack over it later. Oh, my life; I wish all those idiots who do this to us would know how it feels to be me, or any one of you, especially if they could be someone who's been wrongfully raided, beaten, etc.

 

Sb

[phaquetoo]

Sometimes we get a second chance to do things differently. This will be my chance. I did not do everything I wanted to do on May 25th, which I blame myself for most of. So, this is what I'm thinking:

 

MISTAKE #1: I didn't listen to my Intuition when it said to put my boots on. I got soaked, couldn't find a dry place to stand. My shoes and pants were very wet, my feet were cold; there was no place to sit, 'cept on the steps. I stood at the edge of an awning, my feet in a puddle. Although people held some things for me, I couldn't hold out and had to leave, missing most of the rally. Many who are much weaker than me, stayed for the whole thing. I'm deeply embarrassed I was unable to endure; I'm still kicking myself for it, especially when I see videos of that day. I let you all down; I let myself down.

 

One person listened as I cried for nearly a half hour on the phone from my hotel room about it later on; he was the one who also missed the rally so he could bring me to the Loft because I couldn't check into my hotel room yet and couldn't stand for long, holding my things, soaking wet. I felt I let the whole community down by not staying. Some people at the Loft heard me crying, too, because I didn't want to be alone, I had tried to get a ride later to the hotel but the person offering forgot to look for me after I read my speech, which leads to my next mistake.

 

MISTAKE #2: I got on stage to read my speech, without letting anyone know I'd be up there, so some people missed hearing my speech, mainly, the people in the Green Room. I was so tired, I vaguely remember telling someone, Brianna, I think, she was handling a raffle and asked me to wait to sing after Andy finished; then I think she announced me. Afterward, she called out more numbers for the raffle. A short while after, I talked to someone who said he'd bring me to my hotel and back to the Loft, but he had something to do first. That was when I really goofed- I decided to read my speech, but I didn't announce it. I don't recall Brianna being nearby, so I thought it'd be OK to just go back up there and read it.

 

I assumed the sound would've been loud enough to be heard in the Green Room. Most times I went by there, the door was open, so I assumed, though incorrectly, they'd hear me. Later on I found out I was wrong. Maybe they closed the door. It was supposed to be closed all the time, I think. I just got up there while waiting for the person to bring me to my hotel, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to do my speech, since I didn't read it at the rally. The person forgot about me and I ended up embarrassing myself when I broke down in tears. I said goodbye to the people in the Green Room, thinking I might never see them again. They were talking and laughing, while I was trying to find a ride to the hotel. I didn't wanna ruin their day. Michael came out to try to help me.

 

MISTAKE #3: When I got to the hotel I called someone and was told most the people had left, but when I got home I found out there were a few who stayed till very late. I doubt he realized those people were still there, he was very tired, too. I was so tired, I decided to stay in the hotel instead of returning to the Loft. He spent nearly a half hour comforting me, saying I wasn't a failure, though I felt I was. Another friend I called afterward nearly echoed the words of the first person I called. I still felt awful. I was so tired, though I really wanted to go back there, not wanting to be alone, I didn't come all the way there to be alone, I can do that anytime back home; I rarely go out and rarely get to socialize; but believed the others had all gone home, being tired out from the long day. It was not his fault. My night was horrible, but this wonderful person, who missed some of the rally because of me, made sure I wasn't alone the next day. I had to check out of my hotel by noon and had nowhere to go while I waited to catch a bus home. Very few people know the emotional mess I was in. some kindness, and a few hits of Kush helped me through it. I went home feeling much better.

 

WHAT I'LL DO DIFFERENTLY: I'll listen to my Intuition! If it looks like rain again, I'll bring my boots instead of leaving them on the bus. I bought something to protect anything I'm carrying. Bb says there'll be chairs and tents. This time I'll be able to check into my room as soon as I can. If I can't get a ride, I'll call a cab, and get back to the Loft refreshed and ready to spend awhile there.

 

I love this community more than words can express. You have given me a chance to earn a place here and you accepted me. You let me help where I can, you encouraged me and became the Family I had been wishing for, for many years. I'm a very sensitive person, I care too much, I get very emotional, passionate about people. When people are abused, I can't tolerate it. I've known abuse from tyrants all my life. It's all I've ever known, though there have been a few times I was treated with kindness, but I never got enough of the right kind of guidance, attention, or love. Despite it all, I still have a LOT of Love inside, just waiting to come out and pour itself all over. My love could cover this whole planet many times over. Sadly, so could my tears.

 

I don't wanna let you down. Although I may appear to be strong, I'm not as strong as I may seem to be. My deep love and sense of Justice is what motivates and empowers me to keep trying, to always do my best, always trying to improve, and be the person I know I truly am, to be the Love I seek; to be the strong, peaceful warrior you see here.

 

I love you all very much.

 

Sincerely, Sb

 

 

im sorrry you feel the way you do,,,i didnt go and i dont give a puck! but i do think you have said a few things that should be looked at!

 

do you have a pic of yourself you can put on here?if it is in your gallery sorry i didnt look!

 

I totaly dont mean any offense but maybe a pic would show me how you look,,,,i alway picture you as and 80 yr old woman on here who is a shut in,,(im sorry i dont mean to judge) i have no idea how old you are,,yes it is none of my biz. but it mite help me and a few others to understand you if we knew your age or at least close to your age,,,Im 49 and proud of it!

 

Peace S.B

FTW

Jim

[+Silverblue]

im sorrry you feel the way you do,,,i didnt go and i dont give a puck! but i do think you have said a few things that should be looked at!

 

do you have a pic of yourself you can put on here?if it is in your gallery sorry i didnt look!

 

I totaly dont mean any offense but maybe a pic would show me how you look,,,,i alway picture you as and 80 yr old woman on here who is a shut in,,(im sorry i dont mean to judge) i have no idea how old you are,,yes it is none of my biz. but it mite help me and a few others to understand you if we knew your age or at least close to your age,,,Im 49 and proud of it!

 

Peace S.B

FTW

Jim

hi phaq, I'm not 80, that I can assure you. No offense but I am not comfortable posting my picture. I was gonna put something in the gallery but got scared. About being a shut in, it is not entirely true, but fairly accurate. I can walk and get out but can't go far. I hate long rides, but this rally is too important. Many times I wish I hadn't made those plans, knowing the media might be there. Considering my situation, it's scary, so I hope I don't have a total meltdown afterwards. it really sucks being me.

 

People's rights are being trampled on, their lives are being torn apart. This is wrong, this is not what The People voted for. Someone has to speak out. It could happen to any of us at any time. Knowing that scares the chit outta me. I've been afraid all my life. It's a living hell, but my sense of Justice is stronger than my fear.

 

Sb

[+Silverblue]

Well I just might speak at the rally but I'll wear a bag over my face.

 

Sb